Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
