Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm gonna fight the coyote
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
