you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
