He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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