There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
All the doctor said was why
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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