OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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