dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
