Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
