just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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