everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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