I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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