I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
