I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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