it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
