Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
