He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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