I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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