proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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