My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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