So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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