we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
