mondays should just be called national damage control day
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize