you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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