Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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