im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize