The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
