He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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