If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize