i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
