It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
