She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize