Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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