your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
