i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
