U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I still have a little drunk in my system
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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