I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize