Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
