R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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