Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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