Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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