i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
