i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i drank out of a bidet.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Alive.
So much puke
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
