My liver just broke up with me...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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