I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
