it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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