My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
