Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
