don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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