We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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