im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
