Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
