I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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