drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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