I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
