So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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