I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
