suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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