I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
