You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
